Riding shotgun with control is instant gratification. I want things now, now, now! I want the O.Z. (toddler) to be more self-sufficient, I want the A.T. (baby) to be less clingy. I want the toddler to stop smacking the baby on the head. I want to be completely unpacked and organized in the new house. I want to have the side yard cleared out and completely ready to plant for fall and winter...blah, blah, blah. I guess I need to live in the now, now, now and not feel guilty for all the things I'm not visibly accomplishing. (Hey, I guess I had time to write this and didn't ignore the baby too much in the process.)
Why is it so hard to ignore societal pressures? I frequently get asked, "What do you do all day?" and this leads me to sometimes have this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, "Well, should I be doing something else? Should I feel bad for not getting anything else done besides playing with, feeding, and clothing the kids, changing diapers, washing diapers, trying not to yell and scream, going to the park-- you know, basic child-care stuff? (And I don't say that sarcastically.) There are so many things that are great about this time with the O.Z. and A.T. If I could just step back and listen to the voice that says, "this is such a tiny blip and you need to find the joy in every moment”
While I think there is probably never going to be joy in every moment for me, I do think there is learning in every moment. I am growing into the mom I want to be and more importantly the person I want to be. But…as a stay at home mom I do feel urges to establish some outward me-ness. Kind of like wanting to write your name on the bathroom wall.
I just watched this quirky family flick—an Aussie film, Hey, hey it’s Esther Blueburger. The protagonist is a 13 year old outsider looking for some acceptance who eventual realizes that she just wants to be recognized as a person. At one point she recites this nonsense babble poem repeating her last name over and over in different ways. She is proclaiming her me-ness and that me-ness is not static. I think each stage of our life is an opportunity to re-examine our identities—a time to figure out who we want to be. That’s why being human is so great. Well, that and opposable thumbs I guess.
So, maybe I have time for a doodle now and then. It could be like my statement of me that only takes a few minutes with no end result-- no money, no feel good feelings of gifting to someone else. My first creative hurdle so to speak.
I don't care if it's messy or weird or just banal. This is me, proclaiming my me-ness.